Sometimes Life Gets in the Way

  It has been quite some time since I was last here. Life got in the way, and I just haven't made the time. I hope to do more as times continues, but, we all know how easily we can just fall away from things like this. And let's face it, fewer and fewer folks are taking the time to look at blogs of others, there are just too many other things pulling for their attention. But that's okay too, I can and do use this as a bit of a journal to keep some of my memories alive.
  Since my last post, so many things have happened. One of the most exciting was being crowned Ms. Wheelchair KY, 2018 in January of 2018! It was a very special honor, and I was thrilled. As Ms. Wheelchair KY 2018, I was then expected to go around the state as much as possible and advocate for all Kentuckians with disabilities. I spoke with local leaders, our state governor, classrooms full of students from kindergartners to middle school age children. I eventually even made my way to Grand Rapids Michigan for a week of conferences, talks, etc., to compete for Ms. Wheelchair American 2019. While I didn't bring that particular crown home, I did bring home a notebook full of information on how I could continue advocating for those in our country with disabilities. While I've not been as active since then, I do continue to keep my eyes open for such opportunities.
  I've also had the honor to have been writing for the children's devotional booklet, Living Faith Kids since late 2014. I truly enjoy trying to make daily Bible reading for Mass a bit more clear to children. I do hope that I've helped in some way.
  I continue to try to keep art in my life in some way. I do love to draw and paint, but, just as with any other muscle of the body, in order to keep it strong, you must exercise it. I've not been oil painting for some time now, and when I tried to jump back into it, I found out just how much that particular muscle had atrophied. Being in a wheelchair for almost 21 years now, I do know a bit about atrophied muscles! So, I'll be trying to get in more practice in the future. I've managed to keep my acrylic and water color muscles going, but they could use work as well!
  Well, I've checked in, and hope to do so again soon. Forgive my absence dear readers, please, and I promise to try not to let life get so much in the way in the future. God's blessings!
 

The Snows I Remember

            As I watched the snow falling so fast it seemed to close me off from the outside world, I harkened back to other snows from my past.

            First were the snows of early childhood. A memory still so strong of a hillside behind our home where all the children were welcome to gather on snow filled days and try their luck at whooshing down like the wind. We had no sled like some did, but that didn’t stop us. We soon learned that a cardboard box, broken down and spread just right made a wonderful platform that slid with lightning speed down that hill as we screamed in delight, and not a little fear, since we could not steer, and a slight drop off did exist to the right. After a while the snow compacted like ice, with a glassy sheen, and speed became a real factor. We would build up all the steam we could, and try to be the one who slid the furthest down the field at the end of the drop!

            A later memory is of teenaged years lived in the countryside, with few others our age around. But we still had fun on a snow filled day. We now had that sled which we so coveted when younger, with runners and all.  A steeper hillside across the road on a neighbor’s farm became our runway.  This time, the snow was so deep and loosely packed that the runners of the sled sank into it like a knife in cotton candy fluff, and the sled would not go.  However, we thought back to those days of cardboard boxes and made a plan.  Another box was broken down, and used to flatten and compact the snow. By the time we were finished, we had a good glassy runway, a foot deep, and oh, how we flew down that hill! We were told not to use the sled headfirst, as it was dangerous, but there were no adults around, and we soon learned the thrill of plowing down with the snow flying in our faces, wind whistling past us. It was almost like flying!

            Fast forward to college days, and yet another memory. We were so busy during those days of higher education, we didn’t have time for snow play during the day. However, there came a full mooned night, and a friend with a sense of adventure and a child’s heart came ‘round, reminding us there was a perfect hill for sledding just outside our dorm! Once again, there were no sleds to be had, none of us having packed up the old ones to bring to school of course! So, once again the trusty cardboard box! A couple were found in the trash, broken down, and we were ready once again to cavort and scream and laugh in the snow. One other thing we had left from our childhoods! A warm cup of hot chocolate when we reentered the building, dripping and red faced!

           

            There are yet other memories of snow that have nothing to do with play.  These are of times spent alone in thought and prayer, as I walked snow filled woods or streets. In the forests, if it still snowed, I could hear the flakes as they whispered down, whisking against tree limbs and any wayward leaves still on the branches. It sounded like voices from Heaven speaking softly to me. Wrapped in gray skies, warm coat, and my own thoughts, I felt isolated from the world. Other times, when snow lay thick on the ground, but no longer fell, I could hear small animals as they scurried away to hide, the only evidence of their passing the small footprints they left in the fluffy white coating.  In these times, I came to truly experience the Psalm, “Be still and know that I am God.”  These, and even the times I walked the quiet streets of a college town when weather kept all else inside, were sacred for me, quieting soul, spirit and heart.

            These days I watch the snow from the window, ensconced in warm rooms with a hot cup of tea. I miss those times, miss them terribly. I will never walk in snow filled woods again, never know that particular blessing. However, my memories are there, and they serve me well. I have but to think back to those times, and I am transported, I am there.

Retaliatons

Once again, terrorists have attacked innocent citizens, taking life indiscriminately, with no concern for anyone. Once again, we rage against the madness, standing in solidarity with those who have been attacked with no provocation. We change our Facebook profile pictures, we post condolences and we shout out our anger.  And, we call for retaliation.

Retaliation. This is where I become divided. Yes, we want to do something, anything, to stop the taking of innocent lives, the fear living in our streets that causes us to stay home behind closed doors and pray the terror does not come to visit our lives. But, retaliation? Bombings, air strikes, 'hitting them back.'  Is this the answer? The taking of yet more lives? We know that not all the lives taken will be from those who side with the terrorists, some will be as innocent as those taken in Paris just days ago. And all that are taken will be ones given to them by the same God we pray to daily.

Where does it all end? You attack us, we hit back, you become angry and attack us again, and  the cycle goes on and on. And, as we call for bombing the terrorists, are we forgetting the season, the time of year we are entering? In just a few weeks, Christians all over the world will enter Advent, the time of waiting for the Christ Child at Christmas.  And, what did that Christ teach us? Was it to 'hit 'em back', or was it Peace?  In the time of year when we should be celebrating peace, good will to all, we are instead fixated on retaliations.

I don't know the answers. I can't begin to say what we can do to stop the madness. Especially when the perpetrators of the bombings in Paris seem so hell bent on wiping out any and all who do not follow their faith, their rules. If we do nothing, we are seen as weak, easy prey.  If we fight back, we are condemned for taking their lives, as, to them, their lives are more important than ours.

And, even here, I use their, them, us, ours.  Our Lord came to unite us, to make us one people with God our Father.  He came to bring peace and joy and love to a world filled with war, unrest, and hate. And still we haven't learned that lesson, even after He died to teach it to us. Still we fight and rage and hate.  I fear it will take the second coming of our Lord to end it all.

In the mean time, while we feel we cannot sit back and do nothing in return for the harm given to France, can we at least, in this of all seasons, pray for all involved? For the repose of the souls of those lost, for the comfort of those left behind, and, yes, for those who did the deed, that, some day, they will see the light, will see the wrong in their ways, and come to see the beauty and worth of all life, not just theirs.  In this season of peace, can we pray for real peace, in our hearts as well as throughout the world, and for the understanding that only Jesus can give us. He was beaten, whipped, scourged, and crucified. And in His last breaths, he prayed for those who hurt him, not for retaliation, but for forgiveness.   May we all experience at least a small part of God's peace in the coming weeks. Blessings one and all.

"I Can Still Pray"

One thing I have learned, my Lord,
As I travel on through life,
No matter what is happening,
I can still pray.

On days the pain is too much to bear,
And exhaustion keeps me abed.
When eyesight is too blurred to read,
And hands shake too much to craft,
I can still pray.

When family and friends struggle,
And need someone to be there,
And I can't be there to help,
And cry because I feel I've let them down,
I can still pray.

When time alone grows long,
When I feel alone and left behind,
When life seems to be passing me by
And long held dreams become mist,
I can still pray.

When I wake to the sunrise,
To a day filled with promise,
Because my body is giving reprieve.
I can sing praises, I can pray.

When I'm in the midst of family,
Enjoying time with friends.
Laughter, joy and love fill the air,
And I find that I am still praying.

When I sit before the Lord,
In God's house, alone or at Mass,
And feel the space overflowing with the Spirit,
I thank God with joy in my heart,
For praise the Lord, HE taught me to pray,
And I am still praying on.

Mary Breiner 9-03-15

On the Care and Feeding of those with Disabilities and Chronic Illness.

 I am disabled, living my life from a wheelchair. I've been in the chair for over 15 years, and dealt with all the things that go along with my disability and chronic illness. So, as I write this, I simply write from the point of view of someone who has "been there" and is still there. That is all I can do, write what I know, so I'm sure some of this will not fit other's situations, and some will be spot on because I've spoken with others in this same boat as we float along on the journey of life. So, please, bear with me and understand I do not speak for everyone, and do not try to!

It is interesting, some days, being a person with a disability and chronic illness. When it all first really begins, and family and friends are getting used to the idea of your new situation, they don't always know what to say or do, and that is natural. It is often times up to those of us who are dealing directly with the problem to tell  them what we need or don't need. After all, they aren't mind readers any more than we are (unless you are a mind reader, then, well... you already know what to do <chuckle chuckle>) But what I'm really saying is, everyone is hovering around, wanting to know what to do, sometimes in the way, but in a good way (and some get scared and make themselves scarce because they can't deal with it, sadly). However, as time goes on, and folks get used to the idea, things change, and that's as it should be. They get less anxious, more 'comfortable' with the situation, and they begin to relax. Unfortunately, that also sometimes gives rise to some of them deciding they know better than the disabled or ill person what they need! Unless you live in the body of a person who is chronically ill/disabled  you really do not know what they are going through. So, in the next section, I'm going to put up some scenarios that I've dealt with, as well as others have told me they have dealt with. Remember, this is not to chastise anyone, most especially not those who love and care for us. This is just, hopefully, to help educate some folks on what to do, and sometimes, what NOT to do. 

Some of the examples below pertain to me, and others do not. I might not make evident which are which, for simplicity's sake.  

 1. If a person is in a wheelchair (the self-propelled kind), be sure to ask them if they would like a 

     push, before you take hold of the chair and begin to push. One, it is very startling to suddenly

     be moving much faster than you intended, two, you've now essentially taken control of this 

    person and their direction, and three, depending on where their hands are placed at the time, you

    could easily break fingers or hand bones! Also, be careful about bumping our chairs. It happens,

    of course, but I know that I personally experience pain every time that chair is jerked in any way.

 2. Never shove a chair out of your way! You would think this would be self evident, but I once

     had a lady in a grocery store move my chair (with me in it) because she wanted to be where I

     was! Now, most folks may not know it, but as I understand (and feel!), a person's wheelchair

     is considered an extension of themselves, since it is their mode of transportation. If you lay hands

     on the chair, you've essentially laid hands on them, which is assault in anyone's book! That said,

     it's just common courtesy not to shove someone  out of your way, after all, if I'd been standing, I         really doubt this lady would have done that. 

 3. Please, if your children are curious about the chair or any other aspect of our illness, don't yank           them away and tell them not to ask questions! This makes them afraid of us folks! I never want a         child to be afraid of me, for any reason! I'll answer any and all questions they ask, in, hopefully, a       way they can understand. That said, I'm sure not all of us  feel that way, so just ask us first if   it's      okay. But, even if the person isn't comfortable talking, please don't make the children afraid,                try to educate them yourselves, for you never know when someone they know will need a chair!

 4. Sometimes those with chronic illness/disability can become isolated. Many things can cause us not

     to be able to get out and about as often as we'd like. As a result of our often having to bow out of

     things we would like to do, sometimes folks stop asking us to go places. Just because I've had to 

     say no the last 3 times you've asked, please don't just decide that I no longer want to go. It may be

     a pain to you, but that 4th time, I just might be up to it, and will feel left out if not even asked. We

     become isolated enough due to the physical difficulties we face, and we so often feel so alone  due

     to not being able to get out, and to knowing that those who care about us can't really understand 

     what we are going through unless they themselves are dealing with it too. Even if they care for us

     everyday, and know our illness inside and out, they can't know our minds & deep thoughts and            pain.

 5. Other than chronic pain, my personal disability and illness can manifest itself in many different

     ways, often from day to day. One day it may be my body won't respond and I can't get out of bed,

     the next (or same day, later) my vision may be too blurred to even read. My hands may shake, my

     body spasm. I often have trouble swallowing, speaking, understanding. (This can pertain to                    many different illnesses!)  Some take this as "okay what's the problem du jour? "  I feel bad                 enough without feeling belittled because it truly can be 'something different every day'. 

 6. Please, ask us if we need help before you do so. We can be an independent lot, and sometimes

     we need to feel that we can still do things like we used to. Sure, there are times we can't, and we

     need to learn that too, but let us try, okay? And, then if we can't, please don't say "I told you so"

 7. I personally have no problems with questions! Ask me what I deal with, how I manage, if you are         curious. I know not all may feel this way, but ask them how they feel about answering questions,         and go from there. Sometimes, part of our isolation, is that those around us have no clue what we      deal with each day. That said, sometimes family we live with understand all too well and get tired       of it. As a result, we may be reticent to say anything, for fear we will get the reputation of being          "that person", you know, the one always talking and complaining about their health. I personally          have no problem with a friend telling me directly that I'm becoming maudlin and asking me to             change the subject, but that's just me. There are those who have no one to talk to at home, and              desperately need someone to understand.

 8. Unless we've asked, please don't bring us articles about the next big "cure" for our problems, or

     on how we can alleviate the symptoms. Believe me, we've seen them all. Some of us will try any

     and all promised cures etc., and some of us have reconciled ourselves. Also, some of those so

     called cures are dangerous. I've had more than one person show me articles on how bee stings are

     being used for some with my condition, as a help for symptoms. I am highly allergic to bee sting,

     and could die from just one, so, um, no thanks, LOL

 9. Tell us how you are doing. Ask us to pray for you or a loved one. If we can help in no other way,

     we can pray. We want to be included in your joys and pain, it makes us feel more 'normal'. Call,

     write, go out to lunch, and tell us what's happening in your lives. That said, let's not make it a 

     competition. Some folks hesitate to tell me of their own pain because, "It doesn't compare with

     yours!"  Phooey!  If it's your pain, it's your pain, and shouldn't be compared with anyone else's!

     What you feel is what you feel, regardless of what anyone else feels!

10. If you have not seen or heard from us for awhile, give us a call. We might need the connection, or

      we might need help. Sometimes we slip into depression, and that can get dangerous if no one

      checks on us. That said, it is always good to call before showing up at the door. It might be hard

      for some to get to the door in a timely fashion, and you may leave before we can get there!

11.  I have a family member, not close or immediate, but whom I occasionally see out and about.                Invariably, their comment is, "You must not be too sick, you look so well!" This always gets to          me. I know, I should be (and am) glad that they think I look well. After all, how would I feel if              they said, "Whoa, you look like hell!"? No, the problem is not with looking well, it's with the              comment that I must not be too sick. It feels like a negation of my situation, as if I've somehow            made up how ill I am and am just pulling their leg. Now, I am sure that is not their intention, but          that is how it sounds to someone dealing with chronic pain and other issues. You may have no 

       idea that I'm in constant, unrelenting pain, and have just found a way to mask it .

Okay, enough, I've already written more than most folks will stop to read in this busy busy world we live in. And still, there are other things I could add. Perhaps I should just add a new item to each blog I write, LOL, tacking it on to the bottom?  Just kidding. I hope these help and do not hinder! If you have ANY questions about how to handle different situations with the chronically ill/disabled, please ask me in the comments section! I promise to answer as soon as I can, and if I can't answer, I'll try to direct you to someone who can!  Blessings!

I Am Enough

   On September 23, 2014, I attended night one of a two night Mission/Renewal at our church. A priest who had once been our parish priest presented the night for us. It was a wonderful night, filled with insight and the Spirit. The basic gist of the evening was learning to be a good Christian in this world that says we should just care about ourselves.

   As I say, there were many insights and points made during the evening, but one in particular struck me. Father was speaking about having 'enough'. This is a consumer driven society, we always think we need more, what ever that 'more' may be. The basic message was, "If you have a home, clothes, and mode of transportation, you have enough. If you have warm clothes and the only reason you go to bed hungry at night is because you are dieting, you have enough. If you can vote your conscience, and worship the way you wish, you have enough."  After all, how many people in this world do not have enough? I took the other side of that to be, if you have more than enough, you are morally obligated to try to ease the suffering of others with it.

  Thinking of it that way was an eye opener to many of us. To realize that, though we may not be rich, if we have these things, we have enough. To think of all the ones in this world that are literally persecuted because of their faith! To think of the children who go to bed hungry every night, and get up the same way, to face more of the same the next day! I could go on and on.

  However, as I listened to Father, a thought began to creep in. We were talking about having enough, but something, I've no idea now what, made me start to think of being enough. (I now believe it was God speaking to my heart)  It settled in, and the thought began to grow . How often lately had I felt that I wasn't enough?  As my disability has grown, I've begun to feel diminished. I can't do all that I once could, I can't be there for others and my church as much as I once could. I feel I'm not doing enough for my family (both actual, and church), letting them down. I have begun to feel alone, afraid, and just less than.  But, as we got closer to the end of the night, I slowly began to believe that I am enough.  As Father went around the church asking if anyone wanted to say one thing they would take with them that night, I burst into tears as I said just this.

  It may take some time to fully internalize what I came to believe that night. I know now that, as others shared with me later, I'm not alone in feeling this way. But, just as we have enough if we have our basic needs met, we can be enough if we try to "be all that we can be", in the words of a popular advertisement. Perhaps I can't go to all the events at church and other places that I want to, but if I'm forced to stay at home, I can pray about it! Maybe I can't be there in the flesh for all my friends when they are dealing with things, but I can pray about it! Maybe I can't do all the things for my family at home that I used to, but I can try to do those things that I can do to the best of my ability. No, I'm not as strong as I used to be, physically, but, in other ways, I'm stronger! My prayer life is deeper and more vibrant than it once was. I can empathize with others so much more than I once could, because I know what it is to be in pain that won't go away, to not be able to do the things you want to because you are in too much pain, too exhausted, etc., due to illness. I am also more fearless in some ways, because, what's the worse that can happen if I finally get the courage to cantor at Mass? What's the worse that can happen if I give a talk, in front of dozens of people, about fundraising? None of the possibilities compare with reality! 

  So, I now have a new mantra to live up to.  "I Am Enough!"  God made me to be enough! God has given me all I need to be enough. God will be with me to the very end of this life, and waiting for me at the beginning of the next. Until then, God has given me all I need to be the best person I can be in this life, I just have to keep believing it!  Blessings to one and all! 

Education: An End to Fear - Why Students Hate Homework - Extra Credits